i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
