eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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