When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize