I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
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Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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