Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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