im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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