If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
