i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
