I'm eating all of the evidence.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
