I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
