i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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