okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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