don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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