Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
