Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
