She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
