I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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