I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
