I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No stitches, just platelets and will power
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
