my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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