there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
