and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
