So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
