remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Found the puke drawer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
