I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
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