got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
