when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
