I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
