When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
