id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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