I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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