What a fucking waste of an outfit
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
