wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
