If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
