Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
