I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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