Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
