Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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