your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
