i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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