Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
