He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
