she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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