what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
