the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
