How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
