News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it penis luge time yet?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
