good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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