Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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