we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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