rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
