Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
