i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
