Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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