i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
it's like iHOP with fire
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
